• Tyler Bauer

pissing on the daisies



There is a pug outside my window

shaking like a leaf as he strains to piss


Lifting his leg,

putting it down.


Lifting his leg,

putting it down.



I fight the urge to go help this little genetic mishap

standing out there

on four legs of sausage links that bow underneath

while he fights to breathe

in the summer heat


I don’t know if I should go hold his leg

or put him out of his misery

saying to him as I do,

“Sorry bud, the universe fucked up a bit back there

maybe you’ll get to come back as a human with abs

or nice boobies

or hit the lotto

and get both!”



the same is true for me

in terms of the misery

and being let out of it


and for the woman clutching the leash out there

her name is Double Cheeseburger

assuming you believe you are what you eat

but also, it’s just what she looks like

to me


she has boobies of course

but not nice ones like fine art

that I hope Mr. pug gets one day

no,

these ones need individual jockstraps or maybe even a hammock


but that’s ok.


and so, without the help of my prescription lenses

I watch the dog and Double Cheeseburger through a layer of glass

imagining both of them dropping dead


not because I want it to happen

of course

but because it will happen

of course

if they ever have to run

from a rabid sloth, a pissed off snapping turtle

or an army of snails determined to

KILL


I’d make popcorn to watch that

not because I’d enjoy it




and so, I observe like a sentry as they step back into their lair

of conditioned air and overpriced Yankee candles

where they elude the recently blindfolded man named Evolution


these two,

the best the universe has put together to

FUCK



biological machines engineered by time

just to survive long enough to either squirt baby juice

or to harvest it

yet

both are barely breathing

for now


….


Charles Darwin woke up from this horrible nightmare soggy in his mattress from

sweat and piss

and booze

still buzzed

he decided to draw a fish

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